Government Motors

In the year 2010, I get a notice in the mail from GM, Government Motors, telling me that it’s time for a new car because my 2006 Chevy Equinox is beginning to get old. In fact, I’m ordered to come to the Birmingham office of GM on a certain day and a certain time. On the designated day I pull up to the building, and a security guard checks my identification, waves me through, and directs me to an area for SUVs. I pull into a parking area and am met by another uniformed officer who tells me to take my purse and get out of my car. As soon as I get out of the car, a large crane dips down and picks up my vehicle and transports it to an area where it is immediately crushed. I had other stuff in my car I cry, but the uniformed officers tells me that’s too bad. It’s horrible enough that, for the last four years, I have chosen to drive an evil SUV. Maybe loosing some of my other belongings, especially my CDs by some of my favorite singers who happen to be white males, is what I deserve.

I’m dragged tearfully to a holding area where I’m told to wait for another Government Motors representative who will assist me with a new car, a car that is more suited to someone like me. I wait for about 2-1/2 hours before my name is called and I’m escorted to a small office where yet another uniformed person tells me to have a seat in his tiny office. First I’m told that I owe Government $1,000 because I chose to drive an evil SUV for four years. I reluctantly produce a credit card to pay this. I’m then told to go back to the waiting room and wait for someone else to assist me with a new car.

After about forty-five minutes my name is again called and I’m taken to see yet another GM bureaucrat. I’m told that the government has been studying my driving habits and of course they know that I’m single and live alone. Government Motors has thus concluded that I do need to drive to and from work, a journey of about 25 miles per day. They also concluded that I needed to travel to see my elderly mother in Cullman, Alabama about once a month. I won’t be traveling to Tuscaloosa, Alabama anymore to attend Alabama football games. You see, the federal government has decided to completely shut down all competitive sports. Competition is an evil thing, and teams such as the University of Alabama football team must be stopped from beating up on teams that are not as good as they are, which are pretty much every other college football team. You also won’t be driving to the beach anymore. We’ve decided those trips are completely unnecessary for folks like you, and the government knows what is best for you.

Finally I’m shown a picture of the car that the government has picked out for me. It’s orange with blue upholstery. I cry and tell them that I hate orange and pairing it with blue is unacceptable. Why can’t I choose the color of my new car? I’m told that I’m a bully. I’ve been known to look down my nose at Auburn University and even intimidate their fans. The Government has watched me. I post things about Auburn that are not too nice on the TiderInsider forum, and at football games I do the “Rammer Jammer” cheer. I must be punished and therefore, I will be driving an orange and blue car.

However, I’m then told that I can choose between having air conditioning or heating. It’s recommended that I choose air conditioning because this is the South and the summers get mighty brutal. So I choose air conditioning and then I’m told that this will cost me an extra $1,000 because I’m from a red state, a state where a majority of the voters did not vote for our current president in the last election. Also, the car is a two-seater because that’s all I really need.

The car is also a hybrid that will go up to thirty miles with an over night charge. It will also run on gasoline, but I will have to apply to the federal government for permission to purchase gasoline. I will need to apply at least four weeks in advance for permission to purchase a tank of gas. This tank of gas will take me about 150 miles. It’s about 130 miles round trip to my mother’s.

When I can’t take anymore, I start screaming all sorts of epithets about the government and this country’s leaders. I start running through the endless halls sweating profusely and I don’t sweat. What’s happening to me, and what has happened to the United States of America that I grew up in? And then I wake up all twisted in the bed covers. When I’ve gained some composure, I get out of bed, run to the kitchen, open the door to the garage and see my gorgeous ruby red Chevrolet Equinox with my Crimson Tide tag and decals. I give it a hug and pray to God (I believe I can still do this), asking him to please bless this country and to give me the strength and energy to do as much as I can to take it back.